I’ve been a little MIA lately. Like 2 months MIA. The good news is that it’s because I got a new job! Man, new jobs are tough. The fact that that’s one of the first things I say might make me a pesimist. If I were an optimist, I would say, new jobs are challenging but exciting! I dislike the first few weeks (or months, depending on the job) because I constantly feel like I’m being evaluated and that they’re testing me out to see what I’m capable of. In reality, it’s also a test period for me. If the employer is going to be unreasonable, this is my chance to get out without wasting too much of my time and energy on a job that probably won’t be worth it. My anxiety has been pretty high lately and I forgot how taxing new jobs are. It takes so much more energy when you’re learning a lot of new stuff. You’re also stepping into figuring out who you ask about what and what the hierarchy is. Who is rigid and who’s easy-going. Who it is and isn’t ok to piss off. Seriously. At my last job I used to be so worried when a client would be irritated with me and it wasn’t until I worked there for a few months that I had the confidence to know that everyone was supportive and had my back with unreasonable clients. Looking back, I remind myself that even if they hadn’t had my back, I should feel confident enough to set reasonable boundaries. You can only do so much and with experience comes more confidence.

I’m just trying to take one day at a time. Write things down. Ask questions, but pause to think about if I can figure out the answer myself too. Realize that making mistakes is inevitable. Double check my work, but don’t quadruple check it. Remind myself I can do this. Try to be confident. Try to have things outside of work to take my mind off of it while I’m not there. When I’m anxious I can hyper focus, so having other things to do and immerse myself in is helpful. This might sound kind of terrible, but sometimes I think, “what would a man do in this situation?” because as my sister pointed out to me, men are more likely to view not knowing something or screwing something up as a cool challenge, not an indicator that they need to second guess themselves or that they’re in over their head. Don’t apologize too much. I’ve tried to stop saying “sorry to bother you” or even saying sorry when you make a mistake, instead I simply say “that was an oversight.” Not every mistake is my fault. Duh. But seriously, I need to remind myself of these things.

A few things I’ve been thinking about lately:

1. Wallander

I’ve been watching this Swedish series it and it’s really good. It’s a detective series where the father and daughter work for the same agency and have a unique relationship and somewhat rocky past. Most of the episodes aren’t predictable, which I find refreshing. It’s also formatted so sometimes the audience sees what the criminals are doing or what’s going on with the mystery in areas the detectives aren’t privy to, which heightens the suspense. Highly recommended.

2. Bookhive

I just got a $15 Barnes and Noble gift card from this company after reading a 250-ish page script of a novel and giving feedback on it. It was really fun! I realize that the fact that I think that’s fun makes me a dork. Haha.

3. Writing Class

I’m taking a self-paced online writing class and am completely behind. It started in late January and I have 6 months to complete it. Now it’s April and I’ve only completed the first of six assignments. Time to get cracking. I might use part of my lunch break to work on this since it’s a nice quiet chunk of time.

4. Women in acting

I saw this really cool short documentary on Showtime about female character actors (as in non-lead actresses). It was very interesting and insightful. You hear from a lot of lead female actors, but less from the character actors. They spoke about sexism, appearance, career length, balancing motherhood, weight, all those things that are tough in Hollywood. Things I hadn’t thought about, like that being pregnant completely takes you out of the running if you’re in an audition. It pointed out that something like 70% of the writers and directors are male. Over half the leading roles are male. The nudity clause in contracts that is often snuck in. The most nudity you’ll likely see of a man is his rear end, but for women it’s a lot more skin and a lot more frequent. Race is a huge factor and can easily lead female actors to get type-cast…think “firey latina” or “angry black woman.” Rude. Women over 40 are usually cast as mothers, often mothers of the main characters. Female actors have far shorter careers. There are many roles that star a male main character who is middle-aged. Think about it: Law and Order, Blacklist, Empire, House of Cards (I’d say Frank is more the main character than Claire), anything with George Clooney in the past 15 years, The Fugitive. Yet, how many shows and movies have a middle aged woman as the star? How to Get Away with Murder. Umm…? Drawing a blank…Blue Jasmine.  Olive Kitteridge.  Say what you want about Hollywood, but it’s really just a reflection of what the American people value and want to see. To that end, we need more female characters and more female lead characters. We also need a larger variety, women who weigh over 120 lbs. Women who are over the age of 40. Women who are not white.

5. Personalizing a cubicle

My new job involves me sitting in a cubicle for about 8 hours a day. Fortunately there’s a picturesque  view on the other side (I kind of have to peer across into someone else’s cubicle to see it) and a lot of natural light. Right now my cubicle is just sad looking. Very grey and very boring. Granted I’m new, but it totally reminds me of that scene in The Office where Ryan says that he could clear out his desk in 2 minutes. My mom just got me an orchid and I perused Pintrest a little. Otherwise, feel free to send suggestions my direction!

Hopefully I will be checking in more frequently around here. Since there is no photo in this post, here’s one of Lucy sharing all of her hair with some clothes I was getting together to return.